Skip to main content

The Fine Art of Toothpick disposal.

Apart from common challenges such as getting the non-veg platter serving steward to make frequent rounds towards your gathering of stags or even getting a table closest to the bar there are few others tests that an Indian may face as big as disposing the toothpick which has no meat or any other vegetarian fare wrapped to it. Now if only they were a cigar that you could wield with the dexterity of a Swedish masseuse in your fingers things would have been different.

Fear not, for I have keenly observed how several other stags dealt with the same managerial issue. My keenly observant self-rushed to document the same with an eye as keen as an Infosys project manager documenting processes at an offsite deployment.

Here are the 2 ways that you can combat the issue of the bare food stick at any gathering:

Equated Monthly Instalments or the Goat dropping style: No, finance companies have not got anything to do with this and neither do goat droppings; it’s just the disposal of the toothpick that is quite similar to how these two functions work. You feel sad when you pay instalments and you feel happy (if you are the goat that is feeling lighter) after shooting out fume heavy pellets of such amazing design similarity that can make an Italian car designer go grey or closer home a Bengali Art director resign. The feeling here is the former.

  • Step 1: Flip the toothpick between the index and the fingers on its either side.
  • Step 2: With a slight compression on its centre of not more than 1 PSI the toothpick must break into 4 parts.
  • Step 3: Walk to the closest table which has the loudest members of the opposite sex seated (they tend to gather together). Drop a few compliments and a few shreds of the toothpick too. (Get the goat dropping bit now? Yeah, you sly smiling lucky bastard)
  • Step 4: In case you still have a few of the pieces remaining walk up to the nearest wall. Stand against it (don’t face it; that would be plain idiotic) as though looking out for someone. Quickly discard the remaining balance in your account and wave to that imaginary soul. Now walk towards him with open arms and fingers. You’re free.

Jo Mera hai who tera honaich padega: This is one sick cheap method. We all have friends who look at the snack stewards like kids from a draught plus disaster plus famine struck geography. Now these guys try and stab at least three meat balls or harabara kebabs (it’s this veg dish that tastes like soaked sponge to a non-vegetarian like me) which can make it to a Guinness world record but won’t for records like this one are rejected there and taken in by Limca book of world records. So these dudes always love a favour relating to food and their toothpick wielding back stabbing friend stabs and extra one with his spare toothpick.

Now am all cool with recycling but this friend picks only the additional snack on his platter and not a separate toothpick.  Yep, he uses the same old toothpick he had spent time with between his fingers and teeth while it swirled in wait for another snack of choice to come by. When it did not, it was passed on like gifts from an old lover. It also paused and rested on his lips to take a second while someone made a point and he pondered like a pseudo art critic at a gallery in South Mumbai.

Bloody tooth prick friend.

Never ever grab a snack from someone else at a party. Ever.
Unless it’s me. 
I follow the code.

Comments

P. said…
Trust you to come up with something like this!

But 'tis true - I have often struggled with disposing said item, and am very happy to take your advice on not grabbing snacks from anyone else. EW!
Sheetal said…
Never ever taking snacks off toothpicks that I have not scored myself ever again! U just killed marriage time snacking for me ya... and that was the only thing I ever went for! Now I will only look at people - wait for them to finish off the snack and try and figure out their modus operandi of TP disposal!

Popular posts from this blog

Rear view records

If I say a lot happened this year it will be quite the understatement of sorts. 
Life took all kinds of turns around bends that could give anyone a heart attack and also had its share of astronomical highs that one had never anticipated. If you saw a number 9 of the Indian cricket team score a ton in a test last week, my life felt the same too. Although, the speed at which it came was akin to a ton in a T20. 
Never been the one to complain but this year seemed to be one of the toughest in terms of a million things such as the health of loved ones. However, it was one of the best years of my life too when you see all that the universe conspired to throw at me.
Not one to trust in religion, I have consistently believed that life's zeniths are not far behind from its dreariest lows. It reminds me of an old post that I wrote on up being the only way to go when you are at the bottom is up. That has been followed to tee and I am proud to say so.
- Personal life lifted off like a shuttl…

8 Insane (But True) Things About Weddings

Claimer: This series of published facts are based on true events and a nights of a horrid experience. Resemblance to most weddings is, was and will stand true for all weddings that are yet to happen too.
Weddings in India are almost like an airport battling a backlash of passengers of 20 delayed flights. 30 year old's are arguing at the bar (for free food coupons at the airline counter) with spirit akin to Kejriwal before he came to power, teenagers are strewn across the floor/halls (mostly around charging points) & the seniors are lying in flat beds (occupying as many as possible and blocking some for an unaccounted passenger too). Mothers and wives of the 30 year old are eyeballing stewards for larger helpings of the 'daal makhni or butter chicken' (airports only serve bone dry sandwiches and tea that is flatter than gujrati thepla though)Air hostesses and ground support staff resembling over dressed chirpy friends/cousins and college friends of the bride who find th…

Immerse yourself

There is this strange familiarity water has.
When you are in it ensconced and alone you aren't really alone for its swallowed you whole within itself.
A lot like love.
Its all around you when you are in it.
You see though it and its still there - everywhere.